Fret Not: Covid, Trump, and Other Smokescreen That is Life

December 31, 2024 in life

Here we are. On the verge of 2025. It is 5:41 pm and I am attempting my one and only posts in 2024. I attribute this lack of blog posts to fatigue. I was really tired throughout this year and I often felt like I just had to push through purely with my will power; until I figured out that this fatigue had something to do with my hormonal changes. It’s like I am a teenager all over again except backwards. It’s amazing how quickly I can lose my perspectives on things because the physicality of being a human is so strenuous. This life and the nature of our existence is not simply physical nor spiritual. We live in the place where two dimensions collide and the expressions of that collision are controlled by us, intentionally or otherwise.

And that segways into what I want to say before 2024 ends and 2025 begins. That we need not fret about what you think is coming (and how we need to think about what we want to see coming) and that we’ll be alright if we understand how this works.

An Open Love Letter To…

October 10, 2023

Curator’s Note:

As curator of this blog, I am constantly trying to think of and seek out different types of individuals to contribute in addition to the usual (and great!) composers and arrangers. So when I started to brainstorm recently about who has been vital to the development of new works in the idiom, it dawned on me quickly that it’s hard to think of someone more impactful than Rio Sakairi, Artistic Director of The Jazz Gallery in New York City. In addition to the Residency Commissions, which provided opportunities for dozens of composer-performers through the years, their Jazz Composers’ Showcase and various mentoring programs have helped to nurture young and emerging artists. I asked Rio if she wanted to reflect on her role in the creation of so much great music and enabling so many artists, and here’s what she had to say.

J.C. Sanford

MARCH 1, 2023
www.isjac.org

+++++

It was foolish of me to accept JC’s invitation to contribute to the ISJAC’s blog. After all, although I enjoy writing, I’m not a writer by trade and I realized that writing on demand is really hard. I can write what I want to write about but to be asked to write something appropriate for an “International Society” of artists — or perhaps any entity that is not me is way harder than I thought.

So I started by just writing, letting my mind wander. The post I was asked to write will be on a site populated by composers and arrangers who operate within the idiom we call jazz. What does that mean, to operate within a Jazz idiom? What makes Jazz different from classical composition? Is that the rhythm? Perhaps, but I have heard music composed by Jazz artists I like that feels more like classical, in terms of the feel. Is it the harmony? I don’t think so. It’s 2023 and I have heard pretty slick harmonies in Jazz, classical, even in R&B (especially when Jazz musicians are involved). It is not harmony that determines genre. Is Jazz distinguished by the practice of improvisation? Not quite. There are other musical traditions in the world in which improvisation is a big structural element. Jazz is not a mere product of these elements. Then is it the way these elements are intertwined? What are the guiding principles that make the music Jazz and not classical or R&B, or World music? The lines between these genres are blurrier than ever. They bleed into each other especially when Jazz is in the mix by way of approach or participants’ training and inclinations. Jazz has this ability to take on other seemingly unrelated elements (and if a composer is skillful), the music grows, expands, and morphs.

A Rock and A Hard Place: On HARGROVE Documentary

December 31, 2022 in music

When I was a kid, I thought history was a documentation of facts told in linear and clean fashion. But as you know, no history is that simple nor one dimensional. Any story is experienced by multiple people in their own ways, who bring their own filters of attachments, insecurity, ego, and whatever else. Another thing about history is that a story told by whoever is in power, whoever has means, whoever goes first, whoever is the louder, or whoever bothers to take time is the one that sticks. I have been around a little over 30 years on the scene and mind you jazz scene is not that big but I have seen more than once that stories become history not because they are factual but somebody decided to tell them the way they want to and nobody bothered to point that out.

Which brings me to this "documentary" titled HARGROVE. I put the word in quotation because what I saw on the screen was vastly different from what I have experienced. The stories and speculation presented in the film was different from what I saw with my own eyes and experienced. I was there. Sometimes I was part of what happened. Some of what happened shaped me to be what I am today.

EAT WELL PART II

September 06, 2021 in life

I did my first “talk” when my daughter turned 10, which you can read about HERE. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do another talk since my younger one is a boy and I felt like that was his father’s domain.

Then I realized that maybe that is the problem.

That boys don’t get women’s perspective. Maybe lack of that knowledge is one of the reasons for the sexual misunderstandings and frustrations. Maybe my son can benefit greatly from a woman’s perspective: a perspective of someone who went through trials and errors and awkwardness and embarrassment and any and everything terrible in a process of coming into her own sexually; a perspective of someone who struggled with boy’s/men’s lack of understanding of how this/our body/our mind works. I can also possibly improve intimate experiences for a few (or many?? lol) girls and women whom my son would encounter throughout his life.

My son just turned 14 when the talk happened. This is my general observation from having both a daughter and a son; boys (or maybe it’s just my son?) are (my son is) way slower than girls (my daughter). I knew that if I tried having the talk with my son when he was 10, he’d be too uncomfortable and too ignorant to really understand everything I want to communicate with him.

I didn’t really plan on having the talk that day. I found myself alone with my son in a restaurant having lunch, which happened totally spontaneously. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon in NYC and we were sitting at one of the outside tables at this taco place. We could see neon signs for the Museum of Sex from where we were sitting. My son made a comment about how when he was little, he didn’t know what the museum was about and he used to wonder. I said, “oh you know now?” He was like, yeah I know what sex is.

ON CLARITY

July 22, 2021 in life

We all know that manifesting is a thing. A real thing. What can be tricky is to have a deep clarity on what it is that you wish to manifest.

For a long time, I thought to myself, “well, I think I’m getting good at manifesting stuff. My work is great. I always have enough money (although I need to work in abundance more…. I seem to have a mental block on this one) and I have great friends and am part of an amazing community. But love? Romantic stuff? That part confounded me. I meditated, imagining myself being in my own ideal relationship. For a few years I did this. But from one situation to another, nothing or rather nobody materialized and I somehow thought that my childhood f^&(ed me up so good that I’m attracted to bad situations and there is no fixing it.

Then I had an epiphany of sorts: I was getting exactly what I was asking for.

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GPS

February 18, 2021 in poetry

I don’t think I ever gave you the map
But you know exactly how to navigate

An explorer
You speak winds
And you spy my North Star
You mark my terrain
With such certainty

You hand me your binoculars
And I see things I haven’t seen before
You hold my hand
And lead me to places I have never been before

I feel dizzy at the summit
It is so high
It is so beautiful
You wrap your arms around me
So that I won’t fall

Or perhaps
We are about fall
Together

A REMINDER (MAINLY) TO SELF

January 20, 2021 in life

This pandemic and subsequent quarantine have changed many things about our lives but I think it’s important to remember that there are things that remain.

The law of attraction is one such thing.

If you have read some of my other posts, you know that I believe that we do create our own reality through our thoughts/feelings and I think it is really important to check our thoughts and do our best to stay in a joyous place. It is essential for us to have a clear vision for our lives so that we’ll be guided to achieve whatever our hearts desire. I know that I have manifested The Jazz Gallery through my visions. Yes, I had to work for it for sure; but I also know that I was guided and helped along the way. Some of the things that happened and miraculous help I received along the way cannot be explained otherwise: like meeting Dale and him giving me a free reign. There are many aspects of what I achieved that were deservedly earned but then there were others, in very crucial points in my life, that cannot be explained away by just hard work.

I’m saying all of this to set up for what I really want to say. Yes, Covid is happening and we all feel like we are stuck in some limbo. We are all feeling like, well, we’ll hang on until this is all over. But why? The universal laws that govern our lives are not affected by Covid. Gravity is still keeping us on the surface of this planet. Seasons have come and gone as it did in the previous year. So then there is no reason for us to think that our ability to manifest what we want in our lives (and also others, collectively) and the Universal law that governs that has changed. What has been affected by this global pandemic and social unrest is our ability to stay in our visions and our ability to remain in a joyfulness of that vision.

Some people might say that it is selfish and inconsiderate to just focus on oneself particularly now. I don’t agree. From the energy standpoint, it is only helpful that the more people are vibrating in higher energy (love, joy, and happiness) as it can lift others who are not. And the fact is everything that exists in this world was manifested by our thoughts, individually and collectively. Trump didn’t just happen. Covid just didn’t happen. Somehow we all are responsible. Which also means that we have an ability to change the world. For better. Observer effect is a real thing and by choosing what we focus on, we can give or take away powers from terrible things in the world. I’m not saying ignore the problems. I’m saying that be mindful of the power you have over reality and at the same time, don’t get so caught up in the external phenomenon. And more than anything else, I’d like to see us raise ourselves out of these challenges we are facing. Together.

LOVE IS MONEY, MORE THAN EVER

August 10, 2020 in music

We love free stuff.

Once we are used to not paying for something, it’s hard to go back to paying for it. For example, nobody pays for recorded music anymore. Some people apparently are going back to vinyls but I highly doubt that the sales is anything that would make up for all the lost revenue. General public will not go back to paying for recorded music. Period.

So then. I want to know why musicians are starting to give away the one thing people are still willing to pay for: Live experience.

I know I know. There is this pandemic going on and you want to reach your audience and you understand that performance via the internet is not the same thing as live shows and you don’t feel quite right charging money for it. Even some venues are doing this for free when we need cash more than ever. I get that you want to retain the interest and you want to keep the music going but we all got to pay for things to keep anything going. Venues got to pay the rent for the spaces that are hardly being used and musicians still got to eat. Especially now. Devaluing the service is the last thing we should be doing.

I have written about how live-streaming is not the same thing as live shows and I am a bit weary of the whole thing. Yes, I still feel the same way but I can also be pragmatic when I need to be. Audience-less live streaming shows are the closest thing (although it’s really not that close… but) we have to attending live shows and I’d like to think that this is something people value.

ANCIENT

April 28, 2020 in poetry

We have been known to each other
Somehow
Somewhere
We must have

Why else can you move me like that
How is it that my breath animates you
And your gaze warms me
While my saliva quenches your yearnings
Your fingers walk my trigger points

And I am open as are you

A gateway to forgotten known
Where we once knew how to
Step lightly in eternity
Expanding and contracting times
Our lines blur as every part of us
Vibrate on the frequency of...

The waves gulping us into their bosoms
Sea
See?
We are our own ancestors
We are ancient and modern and everywhere
I see you seeing me
You see me seeing you
Or is it that I see me seeing myself?
Does that even matter?

EYE HEAR YOU, SEQUEL

April 25, 2020 in music

The Internet is a weird place. I always had the feeling but now that most of my communication with the outside world is through the internet, I’m starting to understand the nature of this animal in the way I never have before.

I had been thinking about the internet for the past 15 years in relationship to what I do: presenting live music. Many people around me always talked about live streaming but I was never convinced. Even under the best of technical circumstances, the internet fails to communicate the urgency and joy and excitement of live music, especially in jazz. My feeling has always been, why would I want to present a water-down version of what I love?

Some might argue that access to music through streaming is valuable to those who do not have access to the City. Perhaps. But even then, I’m not convinced. I have said this before many times, but listening to Roy (Hargrove) in live setting is such a distinct experience which all types of media - be it a CD, be it a video - fail to capture and communicate in its entirety. Something is always amiss when not in the live setting. There will be people out there who would think they know Roy and his music without experiencing him live and that would be incorrect. As a presenter, I don’t really want to create an opportunity for the artists I work with to be exposed to the world under less than the best light. I mean, you can make your first impression only once.

BLUE

March 28, 2020 in poetry

It hurts all over
And I feel myself breaking down
I’m turning into this goo
I don’t recognize myself
Then it occurred to me
Could it be
I am rearranging into
Palos Verdes Blue.

Human Nature

March 26, 2020 in music

Coronavirus pandemic and the subsequent lockdown is forcing us to be creative with the way we connect with each other. Many musicians I know are presenting live performances from their homes; presenters and venues are organizing online events that helps us to feel not so isolated. Some people think that this global pandemic will be the force that shifts the way we run things in the music business here on out. I get why one might think that but I don’t agree. I don’t agree because we are still dealing with humans and we fundamentally need what we need regardless of how the technology interacts with us.

This seeming paradigm shift and how people are buzzed, for better or worse, about it reminds me of the advent of the internet in the late 90s. All the sudden, it seemed that the internet was going to make everything better. Many of the retailers started moving things online. Many websites for job seekers popped up that gave us false impressions that better and more interesting jobs are at our fingertips regardless of our skill levels. Somehow we ignored the fact that the same jobs are now online instead of in printed media.

I remember independent artists getting excited about the internet’s ability to let you ignore the middle men and reach the fans directly. It seemed, for a second, like the internet was going to make everything a whole lot better for all the “little guys.” But I wasn’t so sure.

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DEFINITION

February 14, 2020 in poetry

Light gently pours through the window
Dilutes the darkness pooling in the room
NYC glows at night with I don’t know what
I hear sirens afar
But stillness hums on my eardrums here

You are caressing the canvas
With your eyes
With strokes of the brush
Paint dripping from the tip
While you contemplate the shapes

You stand in the faint glow
Tall and beautiful and vulnerable
It is two in the morning
My heart fills up with something
That feels like ocean

I reach for you
Then you me
Palmful of flesh in our hands
We are nourished by the warmth
And by the ordinariness of it all

JUST DOING IT

January 03, 2020 in music

If you want to really get good at something, then you have to do it in front of people and be willing to fall on your face repeatedly and suffer some serious humiliation. It’s particularly true for Jazz but I think it applies to any kind of profession, be that cooking, writing (ahem), or whatever. But particularly Jazz. This is not an art form you perfect before you bring it out in the public. This is an art form that can function much like a language and “social skills” comes into play; just as you can’t rehearse and practice the art of conversation by yourself, you can’t get good at this form of communication if you don’t get out into the real world, i.e. gigs, sessions, and try it out.

Yes, it is necessary to spend hours alone to master your craft. Definitely. But that would not take you to the next level. (This is why I think the current model of Jazz funding, which is a classical model, is problematic but I’ll write about that at a later date.) You can also flip that and say this: if you are willing to put yourself out there and endure public embarrassment and truly open to learn from these experiences, you’ll get so much better so much faster. When it gets real, you really have to bring your A game and use your creativity and gust to figure it out how to do it.

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ONENESS OF ALL

December 31, 2019 in music

I so love the moments when music melts away what separates us and let us experience this oneness with all who are present. It is such a powerful feeling and reminds me why I do what I do. I feel so lucky that I get to create/share experiences like that in my work. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it is tremendous.

The very last shows of 2019 at The Jazz Gallery was Gretchen Parlato’s “the stars or space between.” It was commissioned by The Jazz Gallery as part of our Fellowship program and Gretchen premiered the suite this past weekend on Friday and Saturday.

The music explores the polarity and symbiotic relationship of things that seem opposite. It was personal and honest and adventurous and incredibly beautiful. She took us on a journey which made us realize how we are all the same despite our differences. Songs sprung out of her experiences and struggles of being a new mother is the one many of us can relate to regardless of where you come from and where you stand; feeling of losing oneself and then finding oneself is what we all go through in different stages of our lives no matter what languages we speak.

At the end of the very last set, we all held our breaths and sat in complete silence for a good three seconds (which is a very long time) before the audience side of the room broke out into passionate applauds. I think we were all literally stunned by what we just experienced collectively and that we needed to come back down to earth, so to speak.

Prism

December 29, 2019 in poetry

It has been shuttered
More times than I care to remember
I glue all the pieces back together
Every single time

When the light shines through it
It is beautiful
Ray of light bouncing off of the cracks

And that
Takes
my breath
Away

Waking Dreams

December 02, 2019 in life

Between the delusion and pragmatism is where I exist.

I say delusion because some of what I dreamt of might have seemed impossible and/or crazy at the point of inception. I actually remember some people scoffed at my ideas. I continue to have visions, ideas, and dreams that might seem far-fetched to some. But it is so very important to have a clear picture of where you want to go, however crazy it seems. Without the vision in your mind, you won’t get there. You just don’t.

At the same time, you have to understand how things work and know the rules of engagement. I hear many people say (I used to be one of them), “oh, I don’t want to play games. I’m a straight shooter and I can’t do the game thing.” It sounds cool and all but this attitude makes your life a lot harder. I know. I did a really hard thing for a while. Lol. It serves us to understand how human operates (which is totally irrational and infuriating at times) and how things are done in general, so that you can use the knowledge to your advantage. Only by knowing how things work, you can go outside of it and then make the game work for you. And that is being pragmatic.

Bitten

November 30, 2019 in poetry

Is that blood on your lips, you ask

It is your fault, I say

Each time I think of you,

I have to bite down on my lips

GIVE THANKS

November 29, 2019 in life

We all ought to thank the ones who were hard on us.

When I think of my years in schools, starting from the elementary school all the way to the college, somehow I don’t really remember the teachers who were popular with the students. Ones that I still think about are the ones who were generally thought of as annoying and extra and/or were really hard on me/us for one reason or the other. I don't know if you have a similar experience but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this odd phenomenon.

Now that I’m in a position to direct, supervise, guide, and teach, I kinda understand why. It’s not easy to actually care and teach. It’s much easier to not care and just smile; it’s less stressful on me if I did everything myself rather than to watch youngins have at the tasks not quite successfully. It’s frustrating and it takes a lot of patience. I don’t particularly enjoy telling my staff, “hey, you didn’t do this right” or “what happened to so and so?” It is way more peaceful if I just did everything myself.

I do, at times, yell at the staff because for one, I’m annoyed that things are not done properly, lol, but I also worry about what would happen to them if they don’t understand the value of doing things right the first time or paying attention to details or not making your boss repeat stuff over and again or of smile and good attitude. Yes, these are simple things but any professionals would tell you that these basics are what makes us value you as co-workers.

In short, I care.

I’d imagine that my life would be much more peaceful if I didn’t care, lol, but I can only be me. And I’d also imagine that these teachers who were annoying at the time did care, as well. I now realize that caring is so very exhausting and can be infuriating. Lol. When I was a kid, instead of appreciating their help, I hated them for their diligence. Then I would think, I’m sure some of these kids hate me but I’m a big girl and I would find a way to be okay with that. I’m also hoping that they will eventually come to their senses one day and think of me fondly.

Haters Gonna Hate

November 28, 2019 in life

It’s impossible to have 100% consensus on anything, especially when it comes to other people’s opinion of what you are/are not doing.

It’s hard not to pay attention to things online, like Facebook or Twitter or whatever, when someone has bad things to say about you and what you are doing. I immediately go to the place of serious self-doubt and total loss of confidence. I start questioning every professional decision I have ever made and not sure about the program I put together for the next month. It’s incredible that after 20 years of doing what I do, I still feel so unsure and insecure that one negative comment can send me to that place.

The thing is, if you are doing something visibly, people will have an opinion about it and there is nothing you can do about that. And the more productive and successful you are, the louder the noise. I have seen it happen to cats I know and it has happened to me, as well. When it happens to others, it’s easy to have a healthy perspective and brush it off: one time, I sent one of my closest friends a t-shirt saying, “Haters Gonna Hate,” cause you know, they do. He was really hurt by conjectures and assumptions and misunderstandings that were brewing on the World Wide Web. My friend’s success drew so much of the kind of attention he didn’t want. It was easy for me to say to him, “oh don’t worry about it. They are just jealous and insecure and they have no idea how hard you work.” Only if I can tell myself that. lol.

I realized that I have a lot to say (I know some of you are laughing at this statement....) and I do like saying them so I thought I'd start a blog.

Past Posts

Featured

Dec 31, 2024

life

Fret Not: Covid, Trump, and Other Smokescreen That is Life

Dec 31, 2024

life

Dec 31, 2024

life

Oct 10, 2023

An Open Love Letter To…

Oct 10, 2023

Dec 31, 2022

music

A Rock and A Hard Place: On HARGROVE Documentary

Dec 31, 2022

music

Dec 31, 2022

music

Sep 6, 2021

life

EAT WELL PART II

Sep 6, 2021

life

Sep 6, 2021

life

Jul 22, 2021

life

ON CLARITY

Jul 22, 2021

life

Jul 22, 2021

life

Feb 18, 2021

poetry

GPS

Feb 18, 2021

poetry

Feb 18, 2021

poetry

Jan 20, 2021

life

A REMINDER (MAINLY) TO SELF

Jan 20, 2021

life

Jan 20, 2021

life

Aug 10, 2020

music

LOVE IS MONEY, MORE THAN EVER

Aug 10, 2020

music

Aug 10, 2020

music

Apr 28, 2020

poetry

ANCIENT

Apr 28, 2020

poetry

Apr 28, 2020

poetry

Apr 25, 2020

music

EYE HEAR YOU, SEQUEL

Apr 25, 2020

music

Apr 25, 2020

music